Getting Married

What took me so long in writing about my marriage? There is probably some deep psychological reason, but I don't want to know. Married life is stressful enough. And it has been stressful. Actually, as expected, it was stressful from two weeks before the actual eventful day, I mean days (two weddings).

Up until the final two weeks I was thinking how impressed I was at how efficiently Anh had handled all the details on her own. But just as I thought that, all hell broke loose. It seemed we began fighting about everything. I'm kind of a middle of the road kind of person, expenses wise. You know, not the cheapest, and not the most expensive. Anh wanted her wedding to be the best ever. Neither of us wanted to budge. Needless to say, she got the best wedding ever. Actually, there were two weddings. One in the countryside for her parents and neighbors, and the other here in Nha Trang for friends and colleagues. A total of nearly 700 guests in all.

 Below is a photo of the wedding in Nha Trang at the Sunrise Resort.

Anyway, the wedding in the countryside was fun. It began with the actual ceremony at Anh's parents house. You should know that this is merely a cultural ceremony and unlike in America it is not a legal marriage. My son Frankie and daughter Angela flew in for the week and Frankie was able to Skype the ceremony to my Dad and oldest daughter Gina and family. I was so happy to have two of my children here to share the big day. It meant everything to me. Here is a ceremony picture with everyone:

After the first wedding we had a couple days off and then celebrated in Nha Trang. Things are done a little different in Vietnam. Before the actual wedding the bride and bridegroom spend a day with a wedding photographer and take hundreds of pictures in the wedding gown at various places. Here are a couple:

The wedding party at Sunrise was not fun at all. We had to stand and have our pictures taken with everyone as the entered. Then we had to go around and have our pictures taken with everyone as they ate. By the time all that and the rites were done the party was over. We didn't even get to eat and there wasn't even a table for us. Then we had to have our picture taken with everyone as they left. If you ever plan to get married in Vietnam, I suggest you go over the rules ahead of time. Otherwise, it will not be fun at all.

It's been a month now since the weddings and we have had some major disagreements and things to work out. Both of us are pretty difficult at times and don't give in easily. Between our age and cultural differences it has not been easy. (It was much easier when we were just dating.) Today things seem to be going well, but that could change in an instant. When things are good, they are very good. And when they are bad, I want to rush back to America and forget I ever came to this country.

All in all, living in Vietnam has been and still is quite a learning experience. I have no choice but to be more and more conscious, just to get by. Life here is one challenge after another. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

It's the Little Things

I learned several new words today. One is "ngu ngoc." "Asshole." I like to practice new words as soon as possible so when I went to pick up a vegetarian grinder I taught the sidewalk vending lady how to say "asshole." She loved it. I loved it. We had a good giggle, as my British friends would say. It's one of the things that makes living here so enjoyable.

Much of my day is filled with these short encounters. My social network works well for me even though I have few, actually zero, people that I can talk about serious matters with (now that Brad killed himself). I have lived long enough to know that lasting happiness comes only from being kind, being helpful, being compassionate, being...and not doing.

 Every other day someone talks about making money, investing in this or that, how about starting a language school. That's fine for someone at another stage of life. But I recognize that I am not there. I am clearly in Erikson's Generativity stage of development. As I understand it, that means concern for the next generation. For me, that means making life better for everyone younger than me. A sense of guiding and being useful. I know this is what I must do to find peace, happiness, fulfillment at this point in my life and it comes fairly easily. It only requires presence of mind. Being mindful. Reminding myself. Stopping the chattering mind and continuous thoughts every so often throughout the day.

Living in Vietnam gives me plenty of daily opportunities to be myself. And I am thankful for that.

And after 4 and a half months here I am thankful to be going home to be with my family and spend the summer being useful to the next generation of my own flesh and blood. Life is good. I'm happy here and there. Can anyone ask for more?

Vietnamese Engagement Ceremony

In America getting engaged is a simple thing. Not in Vietnam. At first To Anh told me it was just a matter of a little party at her parents house. I wish.

Preparations included: getting a ring (lucky for me To Anh picked out a simple small diamond), getting a suit for me and an ao dai for her, and buying the traditional gifts to present to the bride's family.

The ceremony, to me, was a combination bachelor party, shower, mini-wedding. To Anh's uncle and some other relatives met me at the hotel I was staying at and picked up presents and guests. From there we had a caravan of three cars to To Anh's house. Two photographers filmed and took pictures of everything.

Upon arrival, an hour's drive to the countryside, we were greeted by members of To Anh's family, who took the gifts into the house where the ceremony would take place. Essentially what happened then was, a woman representing my side asked To Anh's father permission for me to marry To Anh. He didn't say much that I could tell. And then I was expected to say something. In my best Vietnamese I said I was sorry my family couldn't be here, and that I would love To Anh forever. Then I gave her the ring and that was about it.

After that we all sat down to a banquet of excellent Vietnamese food. There were about 50 guests in all. Pictures were taken just like at a wedding. The whole thing was over in a couple of hours.

We plan to get married in October. (Marriage subject to approval by the People's Committee.) We haven't decided what our family would be, communist or capitalist or catholic...

Getting Engaged

I write this on the eve of the Vietnamese Engagement Ceremony. In Vietnam you don't just ask a girl to marry you and give her a ring. Nope. More about that in the next post. The following is what led me to this point.

I met To Anh when she was a student at Crazy Kim's, where I volunteer teach English, a year and a half ago. You could say I was crazy about her from that moment on. Nothing happened for half a year. I had a girlfriend and I didn't think that she would be interested in a foreign guy. (Besides, she was just to pretty and smart.)

As things turned out, she had the same thoughts. Although she didn't have a boyfriend. Seven months later when I was unattached, and she was no longer a student of mine (she got a good job using her knowledge of English to get it)  I finally asked her out to dinner. She said no. (Later she told me Vietnamese girls always say no the first time.) Eventually we exchanged phone numbers and emails. By the time I left for America at the end of May I suspected she was interested in me.

We spent the summer skyping each other and agreed to date when I returned in September. Things have been progressing ever since, to the point where I am sure I want to marry her.

So, after being single for the last 28 years, why get married now? First of all, it feels right. While To Anh and I have our fights and disagreements, mostly because of cultural differences and misunderstandings, we feel like a team. I feel comfortable sharing my life with her in a way until now I never had with anyone else. The infatuation stage is long gone. But, even so, even beyond the physical attraction, my life here is so much richer with her.

Why To Anh? Well, most men have a list of what they want in the ideal woman. So do I, and she pretty much has everything I look for. Kind and generous (like my mom and sister), smart and willing to work hard (like my dad), good looking and sexy (like me,ha ha). I have never dated a woman who I had chemistry with, and who I had great respect for. It was usually one or the other. Neither of us are late night partyer's. She is entrepreneurial like I am. She has started several small businesses and now is partners with two wonderful women in a legal document company.  (I help out and work there with them a few hours a week, which I enjoy immensely.) Mostly providing document services for foreigners.

So, here I am, on the verge of a Vietnamese Engagement Ceremony. I'm not scared. Even though this approaches the seriousness of an actual wedding. In my heart it feels right. I trust that God is guiding me  to where I am meant to go. I truly believe nothing happens by chance. And everything happens for a reason, mostly for the evolution of our consciousness.

Tet Holiday In Vietnam

After spending a month home for the Christmas holidays I returned to Vietnam just in time for their biggest holiday of the year, Tet. I spent a week back in Nha Trang recovering from jet lag and then off to the countryside with my girlfriend. Nearly all Vietnamese return home for Tet.

To Anh's uncle picked us up in his new Mercedes and drove us the 160 kilometers north, past the the city of Tuy Hoà, and west to Sơn Hoà, where her parents live.  (Using money sent from America by relatives, the uncle created a small fortune for himself by buying real estate in Saigon. The rest of the family here is poor by American standards, but middle class for Vietnam.)

This was my second visit to To Anh's parents' home and pretty much knew what to expect. The only real inconvenience was the cold water showers. I stayed for 8 days. There was not a lot to do except to watch movies and read. The Tet holidays in the countryside mostly involve visiting relatives and eating. For me, that meant watching a lot of eating because I just couldn't get past the pig's ears and various other parts of pig anatomy. (I ate a lot of fried rice.)

The best part of my holiday was taking long walks down farm roads in the morning and down to the river in the afternoon. Again, the Vietnamese people are incredibly warm and friendly to me. The only hitch was when the police came by and wanted to know why I hadn't registered with them. (It's kind of a law.) All that meant was going to the station and filling out a form. Since we hadn't To Anh had to give them a little "lucky money."  ($10)

On the next to last day I broke off one of my front tooth veneers eating watermelon seeds. ( A big Vietnamese pastime. Eating seeds, that is.) To Anh's younger brother drove me back to Nha Trang in the family's minivan (they run a transportation service). I had offered to pay, but they wouldn't accept.

Back in Nha Trang life is good. The weather is like late spring in Rhode Island. There are enough teachers at Crazy Kim School and the spring semester at the University hasn't started so I'm not teaching yet. Which allows me to spend a lot of time studying Vietnamese with my tutors. It is my passion to some day become fluent.