Done With Dating

I think it's time I stopped dating for a while. At least dating girls that can't speak English. 

I wrote on Facebook about an incident where I told one that I was just teasing her. Turns out that what I really said was that I was just using her. She got real mad. Well, next time we got together I explained, in very good Vietnamese, the mix-up. I said the sentence again, clearly showing that I was using a word that I thought meant to tease. And she said, but why would you say that. And I said again that I misunderstood the meaning. And she said, again, but why would you say that. And I said again that I misunderstood the meaning. And she said again...At this point I told her it was time to go home. I don't want to see her ever again.

The last three girls that I have dated spoke no English. (All three happened to be hair dressers.) I thought that it would be good practice for me, and that my Vietnamese was good enough for us to communicate essential ideas. Turns out I is wrong. I don't know nearly enough Vietnamese to have a relationship like that.

Not only that but there were other problems. So, ladies, if you start complaining about the clothes I wear after only two dates, say goodbye. If you start asking me if I love you after two dates, the answer is no and say good bye. If you start talking about marriage after two dates the answer is no and good bye. And I'm definitely not having your baby. And if I take you out to dinner and you order a desert more expensive than my main meal, you guessed it, say good bye.

I'm not dating anyone anymore who cannot at least pronounce my name correctly.  I'm tired of being called "Fun." I know there is no "fr" in Vietnamese or no "k" sound at the end of words, but I am certainly no "fun" when you talk for 5 minutes and I only understand every other word. Yes, I have a working vocabulary of about 2,000 Vietnamese words, but I need about 10,000 to speak fluently. Taking into consideration word frequency, I still only understand half of what you say.

So, at this point, I'm done with dating. (For a while anyway.) 

(Footnote regarding my last post: I apologize for not being clear about Vietnamese girls. I should not have implied that all Vietnamese girls were like that. If it wasn't clear I was talking about the young ones with old guys.)

Men, Women, Sex, and Stupidity in Vietnam

When a Vietnamese woman says "I love you," she really means "I want you."  She really does. Well, that is the first part of the sentence. The sentence continues, "I want you... to buy me a house, a car, a ..." It has taken a number of years for me to make this translation, and many men here never do. They think "I love you" in Vietnamese is the same as "I love you" in English. If only they studied the language better.

An American friend of mine, in his early 60's, fell in love again recently with a 22 year-old. She offered to have his baby, her way of saying I love you, if he first bought her a house, a car, and an iPhone. Not necessarily in that order. He told me he is in love. I said he is in lust and needs to have his head examined.



Another good friend of mine, old enough to be collecting social security for a few years, likes to date girls (note: girls, not women) in their 20's. He is always disappointed when after eagerly taking up his dinner invitation they refuse his romantic advances. Eventually he will find one willing, but, he will have to pay.

In Vietnam when a women says she loves you what that really means is that she has evaluated you and decided that you probably have enough money to buy her the house, the car, the iPhone, you probably won't hit her if you get angry, you probably won't have a girlfriend on the side, and you aren't all that old, ugly, and fat.

Of course, when a foreign man says he loves a Vietnamese woman, he really means it. Well, he loves her body. Who wouldn't. 20 year-old Asian women are not hard to love. He doesn't love her mind, because of the language barrier you really have no idea what is going on in her head. And I don't think he enjoys going out to dinner with her. You see this all the time, the guy is looking at the girl because he is bored out of his mind, hoping she will say something. The girl is looking at her iPhone, hoping some one will text her because she is bored out of her mind.

It's a shame men have testicles. Wouldn't life be easier for us men if we had to turn them in after so many years. Okay boys, you've had your fun, time to go out to pasture. Wow, we could actually live our lives guided by the head that sits on top of our neck.

For me, I'm not complaining. I find all this one more of life's interesting experiments. I wonder what will happen next. It gives us guys something to talk about. Imagine how dull and boring life would be if we men didn't do the stupid things we do. Shit, we'd just sit around discussing sports. The games women involve us in are so much more interesting.

Tết 2014

So much has happened in the year since last Tết. I write this in the middle of the Lunar New Year celebration here in Nha Trang. The cold winter weather has finally eased off. Sunny and warm again. The streets are crowded with the normal Russian tourists and Vietnamese from the countryside and city trying to squeeze in some beach time. At some point this is going to become untenable.

Well, back to diary stuff. After six months of unhappiness on both sides Anh and I separated. We gave it a brief try again when I returned to Nha Trang is September, but that didn't work. So, in October Anh moved out of our apartment and I began the single life again. 

As for dating, mostly the usual stuff. The rocket blasts off from the launch pad only to crash shortly after lift-off. Some minor disappointments, others not so minor. With major cultural differences, language barriers, and opposing wants and needs, it may take years to stumble into a lasting relationship. (Unless fate steps in.)

Below is Ti, we are currently seeing each other frequently. Going very slowly this time.

The biggest thing going on these days is my intense dedication to learning Vietnamese. (That is one reason it has taken me so long to write again.)  I am averaging 3 or 4 hours a day. Mostly at coffee shops. That is not counting conversing with Vietnamese friends. Several of the women I have been dating speak no English. Not uncommon to have a 3 hour chat, all in Vietnamese. It is very satisfying to realize I'm actually communicating in a language so foreign to me. (I'm not teaching this year so I have more personal time.)

Do not let anyone tell you that an old person cannot learn a new langauge. And as my twin, John Locke said in Lost: "Don't tell me what I can't do!"

Tết 2013

The only thing I knew about Tet before coming to Vietnam was the Tet Offensive of 1968. At the time I was just turning 16, never kissed a girl, never went on a date, and hadn't gotten my driver's license. (All three would happen for the first time on one weekend the following August...thank God.)

In the past I've really disliked Tet, the Chinese Lunar New Year, here in Vietnam.  We get thousands of visitors to Nha Trang. Mostly Vietnamese. The price of everything goes up. Service goes down because many people leave town to be with their families. And the Vietnamese tourists trash the beach. Traffic everywhere.

This year, for the second time, I spent Tet in the countryside with my wife's family. Last year sucked because I got stuck there for 8 days with nothing to do after the first three. Wiser now, I drove my motorbike the 160 Kilometers, against Anh's wishes. She said it would be too dangerous. But, checking with others who had made the trip I decided it was worth risking my life to have the freedom to come back to Nha Trang when I was ready. 

Anh went two days before Tet, she had her father pick her up. I left the following morning. The 4 hour trip was easy, fun, and seldom stressful. At no time was my life in danger, the traffic was reasonable. My biggest fear was going over the mountain pass just before Tuy Hoa. That proved to be no problem at all and provided the best views of the trip. 

Not much happened New Year's Eve except bad, loud, karaoke in the streets of the small village. (Nothing is more torture than Vietnamese Karaoke) Next morning awoke (5am) to the government broadcast from loudspeakers on every corner. News, music, propaganda. Just a lot of noise to me. (They only do this in the countryside because in the cities they would scare away the foreign tourists.) The day was spent entertaining relatives from Tuy Hoa and America. And eating a lot of picky food (nuts, sugared coconut).

The second day was a little easier. Anh's friends and the local police. Three cops came to visit Anh's father in the afternoon. I was encouraged to come out and chat. I did. They complimented me on my Vietnamese. In cases like this I don't know if I'm a monkey being shown off with tricks or an honored guest. Probably a mix of both. 

Thankfully I had the motorbike because I was ready to leave the next day and did. Another easy ride home. For the most part I was treated to unending vistas of green. Green rice paddies, green mountains. 

Three days was the perfect amount of time to spend in the countryside and I was happy to get back to my ocean view, ocean breeze, apartment by the sea.  And thousands of tourists crowding into every hotel, restaurant, and street.  

Getting Married

What took me so long in writing about my marriage? There is probably some deep psychological reason, but I don't want to know. Married life is stressful enough. And it has been stressful. Actually, as expected, it was stressful from two weeks before the actual eventful day, I mean days (two weddings).

Up until the final two weeks I was thinking how impressed I was at how efficiently Anh had handled all the details on her own. But just as I thought that, all hell broke loose. It seemed we began fighting about everything. I'm kind of a middle of the road kind of person, expenses wise. You know, not the cheapest, and not the most expensive. Anh wanted her wedding to be the best ever. Neither of us wanted to budge. Needless to say, she got the best wedding ever. Actually, there were two weddings. One in the countryside for her parents and neighbors, and the other here in Nha Trang for friends and colleagues. A total of nearly 700 guests in all.

 Below is a photo of the wedding in Nha Trang at the Sunrise Resort.

Anyway, the wedding in the countryside was fun. It began with the actual ceremony at Anh's parents house. You should know that this is merely a cultural ceremony and unlike in America it is not a legal marriage. My son Frankie and daughter Angela flew in for the week and Frankie was able to Skype the ceremony to my Dad and oldest daughter Gina and family. I was so happy to have two of my children here to share the big day. It meant everything to me. Here is a ceremony picture with everyone:

After the first wedding we had a couple days off and then celebrated in Nha Trang. Things are done a little different in Vietnam. Before the actual wedding the bride and bridegroom spend a day with a wedding photographer and take hundreds of pictures in the wedding gown at various places. Here are a couple:

The wedding party at Sunrise was not fun at all. We had to stand and have our pictures taken with everyone as the entered. Then we had to go around and have our pictures taken with everyone as they ate. By the time all that and the rites were done the party was over. We didn't even get to eat and there wasn't even a table for us. Then we had to have our picture taken with everyone as they left. If you ever plan to get married in Vietnam, I suggest you go over the rules ahead of time. Otherwise, it will not be fun at all.

It's been a month now since the weddings and we have had some major disagreements and things to work out. Both of us are pretty difficult at times and don't give in easily. Between our age and cultural differences it has not been easy. (It was much easier when we were just dating.) Today things seem to be going well, but that could change in an instant. When things are good, they are very good. And when they are bad, I want to rush back to America and forget I ever came to this country.

All in all, living in Vietnam has been and still is quite a learning experience. I have no choice but to be more and more conscious, just to get by. Life here is one challenge after another. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

It's the Little Things

I learned several new words today. One is "ngu ngoc." "Asshole." I like to practice new words as soon as possible so when I went to pick up a vegetarian grinder I taught the sidewalk vending lady how to say "asshole." She loved it. I loved it. We had a good giggle, as my British friends would say. It's one of the things that makes living here so enjoyable.

Much of my day is filled with these short encounters. My social network works well for me even though I have few, actually zero, people that I can talk about serious matters with (now that Brad killed himself). I have lived long enough to know that lasting happiness comes only from being kind, being helpful, being compassionate, being...and not doing.

 Every other day someone talks about making money, investing in this or that, how about starting a language school. That's fine for someone at another stage of life. But I recognize that I am not there. I am clearly in Erikson's Generativity stage of development. As I understand it, that means concern for the next generation. For me, that means making life better for everyone younger than me. A sense of guiding and being useful. I know this is what I must do to find peace, happiness, fulfillment at this point in my life and it comes fairly easily. It only requires presence of mind. Being mindful. Reminding myself. Stopping the chattering mind and continuous thoughts every so often throughout the day.

Living in Vietnam gives me plenty of daily opportunities to be myself. And I am thankful for that.

And after 4 and a half months here I am thankful to be going home to be with my family and spend the summer being useful to the next generation of my own flesh and blood. Life is good. I'm happy here and there. Can anyone ask for more?

Vietnamese Engagement Ceremony

In America getting engaged is a simple thing. Not in Vietnam. At first To Anh told me it was just a matter of a little party at her parents house. I wish.

Preparations included: getting a ring (lucky for me To Anh picked out a simple small diamond), getting a suit for me and an ao dai for her, and buying the traditional gifts to present to the bride's family.

The ceremony, to me, was a combination bachelor party, shower, mini-wedding. To Anh's uncle and some other relatives met me at the hotel I was staying at and picked up presents and guests. From there we had a caravan of three cars to To Anh's house. Two photographers filmed and took pictures of everything.

Upon arrival, an hour's drive to the countryside, we were greeted by members of To Anh's family, who took the gifts into the house where the ceremony would take place. Essentially what happened then was, a woman representing my side asked To Anh's father permission for me to marry To Anh. He didn't say much that I could tell. And then I was expected to say something. In my best Vietnamese I said I was sorry my family couldn't be here, and that I would love To Anh forever. Then I gave her the ring and that was about it.

After that we all sat down to a banquet of excellent Vietnamese food. There were about 50 guests in all. Pictures were taken just like at a wedding. The whole thing was over in a couple of hours.

We plan to get married in October. (Marriage subject to approval by the People's Committee.) We haven't decided what our family would be, communist or capitalist or catholic...