Leaving Vietnam

Heavy heart. Sitting at the airport in Cam Ranh waiting for the plane to take me to Ho Chi Minh Cith where I will leave for home tomorrow. Heavy heart.

This trip was at times a struggle. Three months of mostly rain, noise, and neighbors without boundaries. I found myself yesterday cursing to myself everything I heard a driver honk a horn. And frustrated that the sun had finally come out and the water was clearing up, now that I am going home for Christmas. I am happy and sad to be going home.

On Sunday we had a big party at my house with students from Crazy Kim's school. They are the bright shining light of my life in Vietnam. On Tuesday we had another little going away lunch at the home of one of my students in the morning class. I'm happy that both my morning and evening classes have native English speaking teachers to take over. I'm not happy about their methods. (Mostly they talk and students listen. How satisfying for them and useless for their students.)

It is a lot of work to get here and a lot of work to leave. I had to buy a lot of things for the house which I am leaving. My rental house is a small mirror of Vietnam. A view of the South China Sea to die for and the constant bombardment of noise from the street traffic 20 yards from my front door. So frustrating.

Went for a boat tour of some islands on Saturday. Tour guide looked a lot like president Obama.

I do love Vietnam in a way I've never loved another country. And I love the Vietnamese people in a special way. I don't know what the future will bring. I don't know what to do. I'm trying to breathe and just be present and see what unfolds. I'm a little scared. I'm trying to just accept my sadness and uncertainty. I'm sure I will know what to do when the time comes.

Well, America here I come! Can't wait for Christmas, can't wait to see friends and family!

Brown and Gray

What a difference a year makes. Last winter we had sunshine and beach weather nearly everyday. This winter it's brown and gray everyday. The ocean is brown from being stirred up constantly and the sky is gray with clouds and rain...constantly. Nha Trang's colors are brown and grey and in a week or so I'll be trading those colors for New England's winter colors of...brown and gray. Shit.

This has not been a party by any means. The house that I have rented, while having a great view of the brown ocean, is bombarded by the sound of cars and motorbikes. It's almost impossible to practice my guitar. There is no peace here. I've found it difficult to eat a healthy diet. (Although I found a great vegetarian restaurant last night.) Even teaching has been a chore this winter. I don't know what it is but I haven't been able to find a formula for teaching a class that feels productive. What is the best way to teach English? I don't know and I'm frustrated. Thankfully the students are wonderful and I just love being with them.

Most difficult is a lack of Americans here that I can talk to and hang out with. I lost the one good friend I had here when I told him the truth about his teaching. He didn't appreciate my perspective and told me our "association" was unhealthy. So now he gets drunk and stoned everyday alone, with the idea that some organization is going to send him thousands of dollars to become enlightened by "Mr. Brad" on the only correct way to teach pronunciation. He barely survives on the money he makes tutoring out of his apartment.

I'm ready to come home and recharge my batteries. I broke out in a rash last week and I'm still itchy and can't stop scratching. I need some good wholesome food from Wholefoods. I need my mom's spaghetti and meatballs. I need some sunshine!

Nothing Satisfies The Ego For Long

Eckhart Tolle points out that "nothing satisfies the ego for long." Isn't that the truth? I remember buying a Mercedes convertible in my younger crazy days. Boy, did I love that car! For about three months.

I've settled into living in Nha Trang like an ordinary person. I teach, I have a boss. I drive a motor bike like most of the people here, not a car like the rich. I do love Viet Nam. Most people are caring, playful, intelligent, and honest. The culture is quite different from America and much simpler. People enjoy ordinary things. They laugh and sing more. A mental health counselor could not make a living here.

"Nothing satisfies the ego for long." I found myself thinking this week..."well, the excitement of living in Nha Trang has certainly worn off." Life has become just...life, again. Am I happy or sad or bored or what? What do I feel now? Because I take time to meditate and reflect on the lessons I have learned over the years I realized that this is just what life is. We don't get to be excited all the time.

And then I thought about why I'm here. I've always felt I was needed here. I was needed to teach English and be a good person. At that point, I did not feel excited, but I certainly felt happy, and peaceful, and content. I supposed to be here. I'm being useful. Isn't that enough? Yes, it is.

Odds and Ends:

It's been raining like crazy still. No hot water because no sun. They say this is the worst it's been in 50 years.

I walked down to my kitchen one rainy afternoon and found two women sleeping there:

One Saturday in between all the rain I took a little ride out of the city along the coast and came across this waterfall on the side of the road:

Good News Bad News

Well, I've been here two months now. One more month and I come home for Christmas.

The good news is that the rainy season should be ending soon. The bad news is that the dry, i.e. hot and sunny, season begins.

The good news is that now I'll have all the hot water I can use. The bad news is that I don't need any.

The good news is that I love living here. The bad news is that I love living in Westerly, too.

The good news is that they are paying me to teach. The bad news is that I make about $45 a week.

The good news is that my house overlooks the ocean. The bad news is that it overlooks a noisy highway.

The good news is that I lost 5 pounds last week. The bad news is that I had food poisoning last week.

The good news is that I ate a lot of raw food last week. The bad news is that I had one raw food too many last week.

The good news is that I blocked up the hole that the rat was getting into the house through. The bad news is that he found another way in.

The good news is that I'm really studying Vietnamese a lot. The bad news is that I can't even ask for grilled chicken and be understood yet.

And lastly, the good news is that I just washed all the floors in my house. The bad news is that they will need to be washed again tomorrow!

Motorbikes and Playing Chicken

Riding a motorbike through the city is to play a game of chicken every time you come to an intersection. Really. Bikes just shoot out from everywhere and they will cut you off...if you let them. At first I was constantly slowing down or swerving in order to avoid them. After a while I got tired of just giving in so I tried to just ignore them and keep going. It was unnerving at first but I soon realized that it really is just a game of chicken. So screw it. Now they avoid me. Except yesterday.

Well, this one bike came a bit too close and I just responded with a big "F**k You!" He almost hit me! So the guy turns and follows me, gets ahead of me, glares, and give me the finger. He stays in front of me glaring and flipping. He is big for a Vietnamese but still no threat. So, feeling my testosterone pumping, I'm like, bring it on shorty. He eventually sped off. And I realized how stupid I was acting. It's that alpha male thing. I never have that experience any more. I shouldn't have yelled out the swear word, that was letting the other guy know that I was scared. And that doesn't work in the game of chicken.

In other news, my neighbors continue to move more and more into my kitchen. I prepare a salad for lunch and have to blast the speakers to hear NPR over their conversations on my steps. As the picture show, they are literally in my kitchen now. It's kind of funny. I don't really mind the company, but I've never invited them in, they just sit there.

My sink and countertop are just to the left out of the photo.

I often sit on my bed an practice the guitar. Here are a couple of photos of what I see while playing.

And last but not least, the school halloween party:

Buying A Motorbike

I've been renting a piece of junk for a motorbike since I got here for $50 a month. Brad suggested that I buy a new, low-end Chinese-built bike for about $350. That sounded like a good plan. Then I figured I could buy a Honda basic bike new for $700.  So that got me off shopping.

Before I knew it I was pretty much craving a Honda Air Blade, top of the line, cool as all hell. A babe magnet, as I was teaching my students. (We spent a class discussing what kind of bike I should buy. The Air Blade won out.)

A new Air Blade costs about $2200. This is the Lexis of motorbikes. You are definitely well-off if you can afford one in Vietnam. I decided to buy one because that is about half the cost of my scooter in America which I only use about 2 months a year. This one will get plenty of action.

So, credit card in hand I went to the Honda dealership, found the bike I wanted, asked the price, and gave them my credit card (there was a Visa sign on the wall) and was told they don't take credit cards. Okay, I'll go get cash. No, that won't work either, I'm a foreigner, foreigners can't own a bike.

I had heard that. Ex-pats have to put the bike in a Vietnamese person's name. Preferably someone they trust. So I drove to my lawyer's office to ask what my options were. And I was going to ask her assistant to come and help me make a purchase. Turns out the lawyer was selling her Air Blade (it was black and she wants a new yellow one). After going back and forth we settled on $1700. She would take care of all the paperwork, give me a bill of sale in case I was stopped by the police, and register the bike for me.

Anyway, two days later and 17 ATM withdrawals I had the bike. It's sweet. And my lawyer went straight to the Honda dealer with my cash and bought her new one. I've gotten lots of compliments since I've been driving mine around. I did have one problem that shows what an idiot I am and how funny our brains work. When I was given the bike I looked at the gas gauge and it read full. How nice of her to do that. To my dismay, after riding around the gauge never moved. Okay, it's broken I'll have it fixed. I still figured the tank had been full when she gave it to me. Two days later I run out of gas. When I fill the tank, the needle goes all the way over to the other side. That's when I realize that the needle didn't read full, the F was an E, she gave it to me on empty! How stupid can I be? Clear as day there was that E staring me in the face. Come to think of it, there really isn't much difference between an E and an F. I'm dumb but not all that dumb.

A Trip to the Hospital

No, I didn't get hurt. I had to take a physical to get my work permit. The lawyer who I hired sent me with her assistant to the hospital. For $100 you get the VIP treatment, which means you don't wait for anything. No lines. For an hour and a half we ran from one room to the next. I had my heart monitored, my chest x-rayed, my hearing and teeth checked (dental examine consisted of my opening my mouth and she looking inside), a urine analysis, and a couple of other things I'm not really sure what they were. All in all it was painless.

Yes, the doctor at the end said I had some protein in my urine and I should keep an eye on it. But I chalk that up to being dehydrated at the time because I had gone for my 5 mile run and not been allowed to drink water before the examination. Then again, maybe I have diabetes. If I do, given my diet and exercise routine, it would be a miracle and I'd take that as a sign that God wants me home. I would never ever take any pills. Just kill me first.

I've got three classes a week that I'm getting paid to teach and 8 classes I volunteer.  I plan to do 50-50. Lan who owns the language school that I teach at (with Mike from America) asked me if I would be willing to teach at Pacific Ocean University (last year they asked me, but did nothing, so I was going to say no), they were willing to pay me. I said in that case I would. It really doesn't matter, it's only $10 or $12 an hour. I just like doing it.

My neighbors continue to make themselves home at my house. They gather at my steps in larger groups now as you can see from the photo. Frequently I will be making something in the kitchen and the pop in. I've eaten dinner at their restaurant now a couple of times, so. It's nice.

Next on my agenda is to buy a motor bike.

These Are My Front Steps

I love my neighbors. I must because someone is usually sleeping on my front steps whenever I come home. Actually, they aren't my neighbors, they work at the restaurant next door. Mostly it's the afternoon when they are sleeping, taking naps because they work from 9am till 9pm. I also hear them chatting away in front of my door while I'm upstairs working on my computer. The only time I'm not happy is when they completely block my way in. The other night I came home around 9 and the guy in the photo was passed out drunk. I told the women that the next time it happens I'm putting him in the street.

Moving In

It didn't take long to remember why I love this place so much. Mornings begin at 5:30 with a 5 mile run and a swim in the South China Sea. Nothing but smiles and nods from some of the sweetest people on the planet. Shower, email, market, smoothie, and off to teach the morning English class. College kids so eager to learn and soooo fun to be with. Lunch, nap, odds and ends, evening class, dinner. The day flows by effortlessly. The only way I could make this any better would be to have all my family and friends here.

At least that's how it looks this second morning in my new living space. Moved into a fairly new two-bedroom house facing the ocean and river. The views are wonderful, the car and truck noise constant. It was a trade-off. I'm in the middle of everything. Completely opposite of my life in Rhode Island. Nice kitchen and living area on the first floor. Wide door opens to the sidewalk where all my neighbors know exactly what I'm eating...which is usually fruit smoothies if it's breakfast or  salad for lunch. Dinner is out and I'm loving Vietnamese food more every day as I try something new!

Second and third floors each have one bedroom with balcony, bathroom, and office alcove.  I think I'll sleep on the second floor and use the third for a guest room/living room. There is a roof deck with the best views. If I put  table and chairs it could be wild.

 I've got wifi, a subwoof speaker system, a/c, and all the fresh fruit and vegetables I can eat.  My neighbors are friendly. The woman next door has already scolded me for leaving my kitchen window open when I leave. I've also left my keys in my motor bike several times, without someone stealing it.

Anyway, living in a house now, I don't know how I survived all last winter in a hotel room. Now I feel like I really live here. Home sweet home away from home. I know one thing, I could not feel comfortable here if I didn't know that I still could always come back to Rhode Island, because if you are from Westerly, you can never really leave home.

Wild In The Streets

It's the Mid-Autumn Full Moon Festival in Vietnam tonight and they are wild in the streets. Dragon dancing, lions, horns, mayhem. You have to love a country that celebrates holidays around full moons. It's Tet for children my students tell me. I've been given three moon cakes. Delicious.

It's been a week since I left Rhode Island. Every part of the trip went smoothly. Even getting to Nha Trang and finding a house to move into. And a job teaching that pays.

My students from Crazy Kim's school greeted me with big hugs, including Kimmy herself. It really is like one big family. I began teaching on Monday and again loving every minute of it. And it's all because of the warm friendships and students' passion for learning. So happy to find something to be useful at.

I've even found a house to rent. Oh my God! It is ocean and river view. A block from both. Two bedrooms, a kitchen/living room, and roof deck. Balconies overlooking the water from both bedrooms and deck. The kitchen is another story. Basically, if I open my wide front doors I've got my neighbors right there on the sidewalk. Noisy as all hell. I'm sure I will love it. My Vietnamese has to improve. And, I'm out of the tourist area and in a Vietnamese neighborhood. I've traded off privacy for open views of the ocean and river and a more authentic Vietnamese life. I'm also just a few houses away from my best friend in Vietnam, Brad Ness from Minnesota.  Oh, and the rent is $305 a month.

Tomorrow I start my paid job at Vietnam Advanced Education school. My friend started it while I was away and he has more students than he can handle. I'll teach a couple of classes a week. I've decided to split my teaching time, half volunteer and half paid. We'll see how this works. I have to wear a dress shirt and long pants to VAE...which I'm not happy about, but, heck, they're paying me $10 an hour.

Don't be too jealous. It's hot as hell here. I take 4 showers a day, but I love heat so...Even when it's 90 plus degrees and 100% humidity. That's it for now. More to come when I've moved.

Returning To Vietnam

I often experience anxiety when I travel. But usually that happens after I've arrived. This trip to Vietnam I'm feeling it at the airport before departure. I could be in bed now instead of going through all this. The plane prepares to take off and I'm wondering why I do what I do. What drives me?

On the plane to Hong Kong, the anxiety is gone. 15 hours in the air, and I still will not be in Vietnam. But at least I'm relaxed and have plenty of movies and books loaded up on my iPod, iPad, iPhone, Macbook, and Kindle. I'm going to buy stock in Apple and Amazon when I get home.

The flight isn't all that difficult. I watch movies and sleep. Before I know it I'm in Ho Chi Minh City again. This is my 7th trip in 3 years. My friend Loan meets me at the airport. I've brought her over a computer because it is 25 percent cheaper in the States. She's my oldest and best Vietnamese friend.

I take a taxi to my hotel and feel the anxiety again. It begins to subside as I speak to the driver in Vietnamese. I realize that all the studying is paying off and that you do not have to be young to learn a new language. I do wish though that Vietnamese were easier like Spanish and not a tonal language.

Thanks to a sleep aid I've brought with me I get a few hours of sleep before the morning light and traffic wake me. Surprisingly I feel joyful and rested. I'll go for a run now and to the market for coconut water and a fresh durian.

Ready To Leave

I leave Nha Trang in three days, Vietnam in five. It has been an interesting learning experience being here for nearly six months (less a month off to return home for Christmas). I survived Lam, barely. Still feeling horrible guilt over my cowardly departure. I made many good friends. Enough so that I would never have to feel lonely here. And I've found something to do with my education, teach English.

I got the opportunity to teach poor university students and then teach at a Five Star Hotel on Vinperl Island. I got a big kick out of being employed by someone for the first time in nearly thirty years. (Still not sure that they are going to pay me. I haven't seen any money yet, and this being Vietnam.)

I did learn this while I was here:

One  People everywhere are really the same. The biggest thing that makes people different (in general) is economic situation and opportunity.  It is easy to be nice when you have a roof over your head and food on the table. Take that away and people do what they have to do to survive.

Two People everywhere are really pretty messed up. Human beings are crazy. We do stupid things. We think stupid things. The things we believe are just plain wild. I swear to God, we have no clue as to what we are doing on this planet.

Three Since we are all essentially the same it is a waste of time to judge people as good or bad. And since we are all crazy, we might as well relax and enjoy the ride. Accept the fact that the world and we humans in it are incomprehensible and just do your best. 

A short prayer from A Course In Miracles is what I say to begin my day and how I try to live my life. "I am here only to be truly helpful." The world is beyond my ability to understand. People, even apparently well adjusted people, have all kinds of personal issues and problems we don't know the half of. So, if I can live each day trying to be truly helpful, I can't ask for much more.

I am really looking forward to spending the next six months back home in Westerly with my family and life long friends. I'm sure I'll have trouble finding something to do since I won't have teaching to keep me busy, but there will be a lesson to be learned in that too. And when the summer is over, I wonder if Vietnam will call me back. I hope so.

Paradise Lost

If you live some place long enough you begin to see what it's really like. Unfortunately, or fortunately, the honeymoon is over here in Nha Trang and I am seeing the real city and people. And guess what, it and they are just like every place else...except the beach and the weather. (and that counts for a lot.)

I try my best not to become upset when I go to the beach now. It was never this bad, but the trash is unbearable. I don't know how or why they let people do this. There is so much garbage on the beach it looks like a landfill with sand sprinkled over it to cover it up. I'm not kidding, the only thing missing are the seagulls (you know what I mean if you live in Rhode Island). I thought I was a spiritually advanced person, but I'm not because I want to punch everyone of these people who dump their shit all over the place in the face.

The second big awakening for me is regarding the people. I know I've always said the Vietnamese people are the most friendly and nicest in the world. And maybe they are, buy just barely. In fact the more I think about it the more I realize that people are the same all over. We just behave differently because of our situations. And that usually has more to do with economics than anything else. Change the financial situation of a community or country and you change everything. But under it all...we are exactly alike. Which only makes sense because under it all we are one.

I guess I can't stress it enough, people really are nearly a product of their economic fortunes. As best I can tell, the only way out is to become more aware. Aware of that and aware of everything in general. Otherwise we are nothing but slaves and robots, slowly learning our lessons over lifetimes.

While I have come down to reality, I still love this country and the people. The friends that I've made are interesting and fun to be with. My friend Brad, a self-employed American teacher here, who wants to kill himself and is an avowed athiest, is a hoot. My Vietnamese friend Vung always shares his total love of nature and God. ( His brother works for Thich Nhat Han.) And of course best of all are my students. I'd rather be with them than any one else, except for my family.

Odds and Ends:
Nearly got into my first motorbike accident. Going about 20 mph a car cut me off and another bike and I collided. We managed to stay upright.

Found a really good vegetarian restaurant, best veggie food I've ever tasted.

Several people have been trying to fix me up with friends. Nothing to report on there.

My daughter Angela arrives here on Friday. That'll be really nice.

Happy Lunar New Year!

Chuc mung nam moi! Just celebrated the Lunar New Year. For the Vietnamese, the New Year's celebration is like Christmas, New Year's, and Easter all rolled into one. Basically all of Vietnam is on vacation for 10 days.  People all over the country go home to visit their families. Unfortunately for me this is not a good thing. The hotel rates double and so do the Vietnamese tourists trashing the beach.

Sorry to report there is no drama any more. Lam still tries to see me and sometimes I let her make her case for a while. She tries to tell me that she has changed. Wouldn't that be wonderful if we could all change our personalities over night just like that. Anyway, I am enjoying my solitude and peace of mind.

My son Frankie arrived a week ago and daughter-in-law Megan a few days later. It has been nice having them here. Both really like Nha Trang, the food, the beach, the weather, probably most of all the cheap alcohol and night life.

School is out for two weeks because of the Tet holiday and at first I was happy to have the time off but now I'm missing the kids again. I would have to say that being with my students is the most enjoyable thing I do here. I'd rather be with them than with any of the expats, the locals, even reading on the beach.

I am learning more than ever that happiness is not something you can find or go to a place and have. In fact, life itself is always presenting challenges that makes happiness always a momentary thing. I begin to see that life requires us to be always alert, learning, paying attention. No matter how good things are we can always fall into unhappiness and complain. We must learn to love what is. Even when the beach gets totally trashed by ignorant people. So, here I am, loving what is.

Free At Last

It was a brilliant idea. Lam started coming to school with me last week. I taught the class downstairs, she took the beginners class upstairs. I would sneak out of class, run to the hotel, pack, and escape. Class is one and a half hours long, giving me plenty of time.

I was still scared to death. This thing had taken on a life of its own. I had become a prisoner of my own fear and guilt. But I would try one more time. I swear to God that she can read my mind, because when the day arrived she decided that she wasn't going to class any more. I just knew that she knew what I was planning.

Before I left for class Lam asked for money to go food shopping and put gas in the motor bike. Ah, maybe here is another opportunity. Not as safe as the other one, but she would have to be gone for maybe 30 minutes. I went to class, told them I would not be teaching that day, and walked back to the hotel. She had already left so I wasn't sure how much time I had.

There were two maids in the room cleaning when I arrived. I told them my girlfriend was crazy and I was leaving. They both helped me pack, which in the end saved me. Had they not been there I might have chickened out, like every other time. This time I couldn't. I was so scared of her returning and catching me I was drentched in sweat. Then ran to check out and hop in a taxi to freedom. Five minutes later my cell phone rang. It was Lam. I just barely made it out in time.

Holed up in my hotel room I was feeling pretty lousy about what I had just done. I imagined what Lam was going through at that moment. How she had to pack up and leave the hotel in total humiliation. (The desk girl told me today that she was crying when she left.) I couldn't have felt worse and was probably regretting my decision.

After skyping my son in Ha Noi I had to get out of the hotel. I took a valium to calm my nerves and kill the guilt. I walked to the other end of the beach so that I wouldn't run into Lam. I figured that she might be looking for me already. Within minutes of reaching the beach a group of Vietnamese men and women drinking beer and eating peanuts asked me to sit down and join them.  It didn't take long for them to get four beers into me on an empty stomach. That and the valium made things look much better.

They insisted that I then come with them to their house for a late lunch. Which I did. There were about 20 people already eating when we arrived. I was the guest of honor and entertainment for the meal. It was delicious but don't ask me what I ate execpt there was rice involved. Then one of the men brought me back to the beach.

Within 5 minutes Lam had tracked me down. Maybe she has a tracking device planted on me. Or maybe she was patrolling all of Nha Trang. I don't know, but she found me much faster than I thought possible. She cried of course. At least she wasn't crazy and did not make a scene. I listened for a while and then walked away. She followed by motorbike. Eventually I was able to slip her and get back to my hotel unnoticed.

I canceled class for the night, I was still pretty much out of it. And that was that. I'm free. Sort of.

The next morning she found me jogging and tried to persuade me to let her back. I wasn't moved at all. That kind of surprised me.  However she did follow me to my hotel and now knows where I'm staying, but she can't enter. Later in the afternoon I went to another beach to read and relax. She found me there too. So, I am being followed, I wouldn't call it stalking yet. She keeps crying and telling me to give her another chance and I said that she already had enough chances and that I just want to live alone again in peace and without stress. The more she talks the more I am certain that it's over and I'll never go back. Her persistence just emphasizes all the more how controlling she has been over me. She's relentless. And now it's my turn to be relentlessly free of her.

Frankie arrives tomorrow night and next week is the big Tet celebration and school will be closed for ten days after that. I think I will head up to Ha Long bay for a week to let things settle down down here. Maybe by the time I get back she'll be over it. What a dreadful lesson this has been. I never dreamed that one person could control and manipulate me like she did. As strong as I thought I was, I wasn't. I will think twice before I ever let a women live with me again. As smart as I thought I was, I was still pretty dumb. At least now I know I'm dumb. And that is pretty smart.

Now for the good news. This is the last you will hear of Lam. Maybe just a few tidbits, but the drama is over. Back to a normal life and what it's really like living in Viet Nam.

Don't Read This Blog!

Really, don't read this blog. I am just writing it so that I can remember what a complete idiot I am so that I will never do this again. If you are still reading stop now, you are only going to be disappointed and frustrated. It's just more of the same. You know the movie Ground Hog Day. Well this is it here in Viet Nam.

This is how bad it is. Remember the first Godfather movie? The scene where Michael Corleone (Al Pacino) is sitting at the table with the police commsioner and mobster. Michael has a gun hidden under the table and the camera focuses on his face. You see perfectly what he is thinking and the fear in his eyes as he is about to committ his first murders. A truly unforgettable scene. Imagine his anguish. Now imagine living a whole day like that. That is what I went through yesterday as I prepared to end things with Lam...again.

The thought of going through with either telling her to her face or sneeking off while she is gone had me thinking about Michael Corleone all f**king day! I'm not even exaggerating.

Going back exactly one week, that was the first time, this time around, that I told her I was leaving. In stead of getting angry, which is what I expected, she cried pathetically. Until in the end I gave in.

Now back to yesterday. I decided that face to face wouldn't work so I would run. I told the girls at the desk to call me as soon as Lam left the room. I went to teach class. She never left the room. I couldn't take it any longer and arrived back at the hotel and told her, again, it was over. The crying started again. I was prepared this time. But she was better prepared and outlasted me. I gave in after three hours.

This morning I woke up at 2:30 am. I had to do something. I started to doze off and a fragment of a dream comes to me. Lam says "this is like Fatal Attraction. It didn't work for Glenn Close, but it is working for me." That's it I said to myself. I determined that I would sneak off in the morning when we went to exercise. I never did fall back to sleep. When 6 am came around we went out, I took off for a run and she walked behind me. I circled back to the hotel, careful not to be seen, got the room key and started up the stairs. I stopped. Filled with dread I turned around and gave the key back and went running in defeat.

Two miles later, full of shame, I talk myself into trying again. I head to the hotel, get the room key, get to the room and start packing. Half way through I chicken out and unpack. Hating her control over me, I begin packing again. This time I get nearly packed and lose my nerve, cursing myself, I unpack once more. Bolting out the door to go jogging again I run into Lam at the elevator. "What are you doing?" she says. I tell her I had to poop and we go back to the beach.

If you read this far, shame on you. I told you not to read this. If you did read this far I hope you had a good laugh, because when I get away from this mess I will too. Thank God that I'm teaching and still loving every minute of being in Nha Trang. Even living with Miss Fatal Attraction.

Arrivals

"Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness." Eckhart Tolle

Every time I arrive in Ho Chi Minh City I become anxious. I'm not an anxious person. I think it is the extreme jet lag. And being so far from home. 12,000 miles. It doesn't get much farther. Last night I took a sleeping pill and that worked well. I slept from 1am till 6am. Got up and ran 5 miles. Still tired this afternoon...and a bit anxious.

Speaking of anxious, Lam was there to meet me at the airport when I arrived. I wasn't surprised. She was as distraught as a person can be. Shaking. Crying. Scared that I would send her away. I prepared myself as best I could for this. I knew there was a possibility that she would be there. I had emailed her saying that I didn't want to see her again. But she had called and emailed everyday asking me to forgive her.

I had decided beforehand not to decide. I figured that I would know what to do when the situation arose. I could not send her away. She looked like she hadn't eaten in the month since I left. She was as desperate as anyone I'd ever seen. There was no way I could get away without having a dramatic scene on my hands.

She said that she realized how wrong she had been and would I give her another chance. As crazy as she had been I always cared for her. I still do. She promised that if she ever acted like she did in the past that she would go away on her own. (I highly doubt that.)

I'm not in any danger. Lam may be capable of hurting herself, but I don't think she would hurt me. Everyone deserves second chances. And I am sure that I could have treated her better in Nha Trang. I can't send her away. Not like this.

Jet lag is the price I pay to live here in Viet Nam. I'm tired and a little scared. As usual. Both feelings will dissolve soon. Eckhart Tolle says that "Life is the dancer and that we are the dance." Most people think that we are the dancers of our lives, but I think Tolle is right. I did not choose this situation. Life is asking for the dance now. I'm curious to see how it goes. The universe is a safe place.

"Yes, I'd love to dance this dance with you."