Done With Dating

I think it's time I stopped dating for a while. At least dating girls that can't speak English. 

I wrote on Facebook about an incident where I told one that I was just teasing her. Turns out that what I really said was that I was just using her. She got real mad. Well, next time we got together I explained, in very good Vietnamese, the mix-up. I said the sentence again, clearly showing that I was using a word that I thought meant to tease. And she said, but why would you say that. And I said again that I misunderstood the meaning. And she said, again, but why would you say that. And I said again that I misunderstood the meaning. And she said again...At this point I told her it was time to go home. I don't want to see her ever again.

The last three girls that I have dated spoke no English. (All three happened to be hair dressers.) I thought that it would be good practice for me, and that my Vietnamese was good enough for us to communicate essential ideas. Turns out I is wrong. I don't know nearly enough Vietnamese to have a relationship like that.

Not only that but there were other problems. So, ladies, if you start complaining about the clothes I wear after only two dates, say goodbye. If you start asking me if I love you after two dates, the answer is no and say good bye. If you start talking about marriage after two dates the answer is no and good bye. And I'm definitely not having your baby. And if I take you out to dinner and you order a desert more expensive than my main meal, you guessed it, say good bye.

I'm not dating anyone anymore who cannot at least pronounce my name correctly.  I'm tired of being called "Fun." I know there is no "fr" in Vietnamese or no "k" sound at the end of words, but I am certainly no "fun" when you talk for 5 minutes and I only understand every other word. Yes, I have a working vocabulary of about 2,000 Vietnamese words, but I need about 10,000 to speak fluently. Taking into consideration word frequency, I still only understand half of what you say.

So, at this point, I'm done with dating. (For a while anyway.) 

(Footnote regarding my last post: I apologize for not being clear about Vietnamese girls. I should not have implied that all Vietnamese girls were like that. If it wasn't clear I was talking about the young ones with old guys.)

Men, Women, Sex, and Stupidity in Vietnam

When a Vietnamese woman says "I love you," she really means "I want you."  She really does. Well, that is the first part of the sentence. The sentence continues, "I want you... to buy me a house, a car, a ..." It has taken a number of years for me to make this translation, and many men here never do. They think "I love you" in Vietnamese is the same as "I love you" in English. If only they studied the language better.

An American friend of mine, in his early 60's, fell in love again recently with a 22 year-old. She offered to have his baby, her way of saying I love you, if he first bought her a house, a car, and an iPhone. Not necessarily in that order. He told me he is in love. I said he is in lust and needs to have his head examined.



Another good friend of mine, old enough to be collecting social security for a few years, likes to date girls (note: girls, not women) in their 20's. He is always disappointed when after eagerly taking up his dinner invitation they refuse his romantic advances. Eventually he will find one willing, but, he will have to pay.

In Vietnam when a women says she loves you what that really means is that she has evaluated you and decided that you probably have enough money to buy her the house, the car, the iPhone, you probably won't hit her if you get angry, you probably won't have a girlfriend on the side, and you aren't all that old, ugly, and fat.

Of course, when a foreign man says he loves a Vietnamese woman, he really means it. Well, he loves her body. Who wouldn't. 20 year-old Asian women are not hard to love. He doesn't love her mind, because of the language barrier you really have no idea what is going on in her head. And I don't think he enjoys going out to dinner with her. You see this all the time, the guy is looking at the girl because he is bored out of his mind, hoping she will say something. The girl is looking at her iPhone, hoping some one will text her because she is bored out of her mind.

It's a shame men have testicles. Wouldn't life be easier for us men if we had to turn them in after so many years. Okay boys, you've had your fun, time to go out to pasture. Wow, we could actually live our lives guided by the head that sits on top of our neck.

For me, I'm not complaining. I find all this one more of life's interesting experiments. I wonder what will happen next. It gives us guys something to talk about. Imagine how dull and boring life would be if we men didn't do the stupid things we do. Shit, we'd just sit around discussing sports. The games women involve us in are so much more interesting.

Tết 2014

So much has happened in the year since last Tết. I write this in the middle of the Lunar New Year celebration here in Nha Trang. The cold winter weather has finally eased off. Sunny and warm again. The streets are crowded with the normal Russian tourists and Vietnamese from the countryside and city trying to squeeze in some beach time. At some point this is going to become untenable.

Well, back to diary stuff. After six months of unhappiness on both sides Anh and I separated. We gave it a brief try again when I returned to Nha Trang is September, but that didn't work. So, in October Anh moved out of our apartment and I began the single life again. 

As for dating, mostly the usual stuff. The rocket blasts off from the launch pad only to crash shortly after lift-off. Some minor disappointments, others not so minor. With major cultural differences, language barriers, and opposing wants and needs, it may take years to stumble into a lasting relationship. (Unless fate steps in.)

Below is Ti, we are currently seeing each other frequently. Going very slowly this time.

The biggest thing going on these days is my intense dedication to learning Vietnamese. (That is one reason it has taken me so long to write again.)  I am averaging 3 or 4 hours a day. Mostly at coffee shops. That is not counting conversing with Vietnamese friends. Several of the women I have been dating speak no English. Not uncommon to have a 3 hour chat, all in Vietnamese. It is very satisfying to realize I'm actually communicating in a language so foreign to me. (I'm not teaching this year so I have more personal time.)

Do not let anyone tell you that an old person cannot learn a new langauge. And as my twin, John Locke said in Lost: "Don't tell me what I can't do!"

Tết 2013

The only thing I knew about Tet before coming to Vietnam was the Tet Offensive of 1968. At the time I was just turning 16, never kissed a girl, never went on a date, and hadn't gotten my driver's license. (All three would happen for the first time on one weekend the following August...thank God.)

In the past I've really disliked Tet, the Chinese Lunar New Year, here in Vietnam.  We get thousands of visitors to Nha Trang. Mostly Vietnamese. The price of everything goes up. Service goes down because many people leave town to be with their families. And the Vietnamese tourists trash the beach. Traffic everywhere.

This year, for the second time, I spent Tet in the countryside with my wife's family. Last year sucked because I got stuck there for 8 days with nothing to do after the first three. Wiser now, I drove my motorbike the 160 Kilometers, against Anh's wishes. She said it would be too dangerous. But, checking with others who had made the trip I decided it was worth risking my life to have the freedom to come back to Nha Trang when I was ready. 

Anh went two days before Tet, she had her father pick her up. I left the following morning. The 4 hour trip was easy, fun, and seldom stressful. At no time was my life in danger, the traffic was reasonable. My biggest fear was going over the mountain pass just before Tuy Hoa. That proved to be no problem at all and provided the best views of the trip. 

Not much happened New Year's Eve except bad, loud, karaoke in the streets of the small village. (Nothing is more torture than Vietnamese Karaoke) Next morning awoke (5am) to the government broadcast from loudspeakers on every corner. News, music, propaganda. Just a lot of noise to me. (They only do this in the countryside because in the cities they would scare away the foreign tourists.) The day was spent entertaining relatives from Tuy Hoa and America. And eating a lot of picky food (nuts, sugared coconut).

The second day was a little easier. Anh's friends and the local police. Three cops came to visit Anh's father in the afternoon. I was encouraged to come out and chat. I did. They complimented me on my Vietnamese. In cases like this I don't know if I'm a monkey being shown off with tricks or an honored guest. Probably a mix of both. 

Thankfully I had the motorbike because I was ready to leave the next day and did. Another easy ride home. For the most part I was treated to unending vistas of green. Green rice paddies, green mountains. 

Three days was the perfect amount of time to spend in the countryside and I was happy to get back to my ocean view, ocean breeze, apartment by the sea.  And thousands of tourists crowding into every hotel, restaurant, and street.  

Getting Married

What took me so long in writing about my marriage? There is probably some deep psychological reason, but I don't want to know. Married life is stressful enough. And it has been stressful. Actually, as expected, it was stressful from two weeks before the actual eventful day, I mean days (two weddings).

Up until the final two weeks I was thinking how impressed I was at how efficiently Anh had handled all the details on her own. But just as I thought that, all hell broke loose. It seemed we began fighting about everything. I'm kind of a middle of the road kind of person, expenses wise. You know, not the cheapest, and not the most expensive. Anh wanted her wedding to be the best ever. Neither of us wanted to budge. Needless to say, she got the best wedding ever. Actually, there were two weddings. One in the countryside for her parents and neighbors, and the other here in Nha Trang for friends and colleagues. A total of nearly 700 guests in all.

 Below is a photo of the wedding in Nha Trang at the Sunrise Resort.

Anyway, the wedding in the countryside was fun. It began with the actual ceremony at Anh's parents house. You should know that this is merely a cultural ceremony and unlike in America it is not a legal marriage. My son Frankie and daughter Angela flew in for the week and Frankie was able to Skype the ceremony to my Dad and oldest daughter Gina and family. I was so happy to have two of my children here to share the big day. It meant everything to me. Here is a ceremony picture with everyone:

After the first wedding we had a couple days off and then celebrated in Nha Trang. Things are done a little different in Vietnam. Before the actual wedding the bride and bridegroom spend a day with a wedding photographer and take hundreds of pictures in the wedding gown at various places. Here are a couple:

The wedding party at Sunrise was not fun at all. We had to stand and have our pictures taken with everyone as the entered. Then we had to go around and have our pictures taken with everyone as they ate. By the time all that and the rites were done the party was over. We didn't even get to eat and there wasn't even a table for us. Then we had to have our picture taken with everyone as they left. If you ever plan to get married in Vietnam, I suggest you go over the rules ahead of time. Otherwise, it will not be fun at all.

It's been a month now since the weddings and we have had some major disagreements and things to work out. Both of us are pretty difficult at times and don't give in easily. Between our age and cultural differences it has not been easy. (It was much easier when we were just dating.) Today things seem to be going well, but that could change in an instant. When things are good, they are very good. And when they are bad, I want to rush back to America and forget I ever came to this country.

All in all, living in Vietnam has been and still is quite a learning experience. I have no choice but to be more and more conscious, just to get by. Life here is one challenge after another. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

It's the Little Things

I learned several new words today. One is "ngu ngoc." "Asshole." I like to practice new words as soon as possible so when I went to pick up a vegetarian grinder I taught the sidewalk vending lady how to say "asshole." She loved it. I loved it. We had a good giggle, as my British friends would say. It's one of the things that makes living here so enjoyable.

Much of my day is filled with these short encounters. My social network works well for me even though I have few, actually zero, people that I can talk about serious matters with (now that Brad killed himself). I have lived long enough to know that lasting happiness comes only from being kind, being helpful, being compassionate, being...and not doing.

 Every other day someone talks about making money, investing in this or that, how about starting a language school. That's fine for someone at another stage of life. But I recognize that I am not there. I am clearly in Erikson's Generativity stage of development. As I understand it, that means concern for the next generation. For me, that means making life better for everyone younger than me. A sense of guiding and being useful. I know this is what I must do to find peace, happiness, fulfillment at this point in my life and it comes fairly easily. It only requires presence of mind. Being mindful. Reminding myself. Stopping the chattering mind and continuous thoughts every so often throughout the day.

Living in Vietnam gives me plenty of daily opportunities to be myself. And I am thankful for that.

And after 4 and a half months here I am thankful to be going home to be with my family and spend the summer being useful to the next generation of my own flesh and blood. Life is good. I'm happy here and there. Can anyone ask for more?

Vietnamese Engagement Ceremony

In America getting engaged is a simple thing. Not in Vietnam. At first To Anh told me it was just a matter of a little party at her parents house. I wish.

Preparations included: getting a ring (lucky for me To Anh picked out a simple small diamond), getting a suit for me and an ao dai for her, and buying the traditional gifts to present to the bride's family.

The ceremony, to me, was a combination bachelor party, shower, mini-wedding. To Anh's uncle and some other relatives met me at the hotel I was staying at and picked up presents and guests. From there we had a caravan of three cars to To Anh's house. Two photographers filmed and took pictures of everything.

Upon arrival, an hour's drive to the countryside, we were greeted by members of To Anh's family, who took the gifts into the house where the ceremony would take place. Essentially what happened then was, a woman representing my side asked To Anh's father permission for me to marry To Anh. He didn't say much that I could tell. And then I was expected to say something. In my best Vietnamese I said I was sorry my family couldn't be here, and that I would love To Anh forever. Then I gave her the ring and that was about it.

After that we all sat down to a banquet of excellent Vietnamese food. There were about 50 guests in all. Pictures were taken just like at a wedding. The whole thing was over in a couple of hours.

We plan to get married in October. (Marriage subject to approval by the People's Committee.) We haven't decided what our family would be, communist or capitalist or catholic...

Getting Engaged

I write this on the eve of the Vietnamese Engagement Ceremony. In Vietnam you don't just ask a girl to marry you and give her a ring. Nope. More about that in the next post. The following is what led me to this point.

I met To Anh when she was a student at Crazy Kim's, where I volunteer teach English, a year and a half ago. You could say I was crazy about her from that moment on. Nothing happened for half a year. I had a girlfriend and I didn't think that she would be interested in a foreign guy. (Besides, she was just to pretty and smart.)

As things turned out, she had the same thoughts. Although she didn't have a boyfriend. Seven months later when I was unattached, and she was no longer a student of mine (she got a good job using her knowledge of English to get it)  I finally asked her out to dinner. She said no. (Later she told me Vietnamese girls always say no the first time.) Eventually we exchanged phone numbers and emails. By the time I left for America at the end of May I suspected she was interested in me.

We spent the summer skyping each other and agreed to date when I returned in September. Things have been progressing ever since, to the point where I am sure I want to marry her.

So, after being single for the last 28 years, why get married now? First of all, it feels right. While To Anh and I have our fights and disagreements, mostly because of cultural differences and misunderstandings, we feel like a team. I feel comfortable sharing my life with her in a way until now I never had with anyone else. The infatuation stage is long gone. But, even so, even beyond the physical attraction, my life here is so much richer with her.

Why To Anh? Well, most men have a list of what they want in the ideal woman. So do I, and she pretty much has everything I look for. Kind and generous (like my mom and sister), smart and willing to work hard (like my dad), good looking and sexy (like me,ha ha). I have never dated a woman who I had chemistry with, and who I had great respect for. It was usually one or the other. Neither of us are late night partyer's. She is entrepreneurial like I am. She has started several small businesses and now is partners with two wonderful women in a legal document company.  (I help out and work there with them a few hours a week, which I enjoy immensely.) Mostly providing document services for foreigners.

So, here I am, on the verge of a Vietnamese Engagement Ceremony. I'm not scared. Even though this approaches the seriousness of an actual wedding. In my heart it feels right. I trust that God is guiding me  to where I am meant to go. I truly believe nothing happens by chance. And everything happens for a reason, mostly for the evolution of our consciousness.

Tet Holiday In Vietnam

After spending a month home for the Christmas holidays I returned to Vietnam just in time for their biggest holiday of the year, Tet. I spent a week back in Nha Trang recovering from jet lag and then off to the countryside with my girlfriend. Nearly all Vietnamese return home for Tet.

To Anh's uncle picked us up in his new Mercedes and drove us the 160 kilometers north, past the the city of Tuy Hoà, and west to Sơn Hoà, where her parents live.  (Using money sent from America by relatives, the uncle created a small fortune for himself by buying real estate in Saigon. The rest of the family here is poor by American standards, but middle class for Vietnam.)

This was my second visit to To Anh's parents' home and pretty much knew what to expect. The only real inconvenience was the cold water showers. I stayed for 8 days. There was not a lot to do except to watch movies and read. The Tet holidays in the countryside mostly involve visiting relatives and eating. For me, that meant watching a lot of eating because I just couldn't get past the pig's ears and various other parts of pig anatomy. (I ate a lot of fried rice.)

The best part of my holiday was taking long walks down farm roads in the morning and down to the river in the afternoon. Again, the Vietnamese people are incredibly warm and friendly to me. The only hitch was when the police came by and wanted to know why I hadn't registered with them. (It's kind of a law.) All that meant was going to the station and filling out a form. Since we hadn't To Anh had to give them a little "lucky money."  ($10)

On the next to last day I broke off one of my front tooth veneers eating watermelon seeds. ( A big Vietnamese pastime. Eating seeds, that is.) To Anh's younger brother drove me back to Nha Trang in the family's minivan (they run a transportation service). I had offered to pay, but they wouldn't accept.

Back in Nha Trang life is good. The weather is like late spring in Rhode Island. There are enough teachers at Crazy Kim School and the spring semester at the University hasn't started so I'm not teaching yet. Which allows me to spend a lot of time studying Vietnamese with my tutors. It is my passion to some day become fluent.

Coming Home For Christmas

I'm back in Rhode Island for the Christmas holidays. It's been three days and my body is working overtime to adjust to the time difference and cold weather. I've been up since 2am and I dare not go out because the temperature is around freezing. (I'm used to 73 degrees at night and sleeping with the fan on.) But, my son is home with me, and I'm enjoying his company, and my dad is close by and I'm enjoying keeping him company.

Before I left Vietnam I had the pleasure of Mike Ryan's company for 5 days. We drank coffee, talked about the wonders of Viet Nam, took a day trip down down the coast to Long Beach for some swimming and surfing, and then a quick trip to the mountain town of Da Lat where most of our vegetables come from. Everything was pleasant except for the bus ride through the mountains. I was sure we would fall off the road and be killed. It was great to share the Vietnam experience with my childhood friend. (We've know each other since 1962 and little league and birthday parties and Cajun dancing.)

In other news, my girlfriend's company closed down when the husband and wife owners left town with billions of Vietnamese dong ( I'm guessing about $5 million) that they scammed investors from in a Berni Madoff type ponzi scheme. Right now they have the police and the Vietnamese mafia after them. Both the mafia and the police came to the office to take whatever they could. One employee, who was owed money, took off with all the office furniture. (I was offered the directors chair for $50, but didn't take it because it's not my style.)

My girlfriend, being the entrepreneurial type and having a degree in accounting, and having started two other businesses, walked off with the customer files and Rolodex. The next day she and colleagues rented office space and opened their own consulting services company. This is a good thing for me because the services they provide includes obtaining legal documents for foreigners, such as residency and work permits, visas, licences, and motor bike registration. The first week she registered my bike for me at cost. Nice, I now have my own foreigners plates.  She also made more money her first week in business than her monthly salary working for the lawyers.

Here I am paying To Anh the money to register my motor bike in my name. A new law made it possible for foreigners to own bikes. Til then we had to put the bike in the name of a Vietnamese friend.

There is an added benefit here. Because I know a lot of foreigners and a lot about foreigners, she wants me to work with her in marketing the business. I'll get a commission. I like this a lot because I've been itching to get involved in some kind of business venture here and this is ideal. I'll help design and translate marketing literature and their website. It'll give me an excuse to talk to expats and put to use my business experience and education. (My own business, by the way, is surviving the great depression but not making any money these days.)

I don't plan on letting this interfere with my volunteer teaching or learning Vietnamese. I'll just have one more thing to keep me from being boring. (The Vietnamese always say boring when they mean bored.) Meanwhile, I'm trying to keep warm in chilly little Rhode Island with my family.

To The Country

For the first time since I've been coming to Viet Nam I finally spent some time in the countryside. My girlfriend asked me to come with her to visit her parents...so. I was apprehensive. I mean, I'd be staying with them in their house.

"Do they have sit down toilets?" I asked.
"Yes."
"Toilet paper?"
"Yes!"

"Hot water?"
"Hot water??"
"No."
"Okay, fine. I'll go."

We took the train north along the coast for 120 kilometers and got off at Tuy Hoà. From there her brother took us by car to their home 38 kilometers inland. Big house. Lots of room. I would be sleeping in Tố Anh's bedroom. She would be sleeping with her parents on the living room floor. The other three bedrooms were empty. (They like sleeping in the living room because there is more air there.)

The next morning I went for my exercise walk alone. I now know what it is like to be a one man parade. I swear, everyone in town stopped to watch me go by. Strangers smiled, waved, and wanted to know where I was from. It was a very interesting experience. Even a cow pulling a plow had to stop and watch me pass by.




The only bad thing about my trip were the mosquitoes at night eating me alive in bed.  Other than that I loved my stay there and the people who were so kind to us.

My fall stay in Nha Trang is winding down and I'll be coming home soon for Christmas. Looking forward to seeing my family and the holidays in Rhode Island. Some snow would be nice. One of my best and oldest friends, Mike Ryan, is here for a few days. Awesome having him visit. He's going to be building a house with the Habitat For Humanity down in the Delta. He taught one of my classes with me at Crazy Kim's. We are going up to Da Lat on Friday together.

I love my life. I get to teach here for a few months and then recharge back home in America, and do it all over again a month later. And then return to spend summer in Rhode Island. Nice.

Back To Nha Trang, Fall 2011

I returned to Viet Nam on Septmeber 8. Spent a night in Ho Chi Minh City and flew to Nha Trang the next day. I had an apartment ready waiting for me when I arrived. It was the same apartment building I was in last year, but the 5th floor (ocean view, mountain view, and quiet). Well worth the $50 more a month I will be paying.

The first three weeks was hot as hell here. But on October 1st the rainy season started right on time and things cooled off a bit, but that came with a price, rain every afternoon. I took a week to recover from the time change and began teaching at Crazy Kim mornings and evenings. The language school that I taught at last year fired me a couple of weeks before I came home. They said students were leaving the school because of me. Over the summer I got an email saying they made a mistake, would I please come back and teach. I stupidly said okay. Two weeks after I arrived they called me in to discuss my "employment status." Struck me as an odd thing to do. Turns out they wanted to fire me again, before I even started teaching. They said that now I was such a good teacher that I was stealing their students by teaching at Crazy Kim. I swear, some people should not be in business. I hope next time they would just send me an email terminating my services.

This year all the classrooms have flat screen TV's and I hook up my iPad to it and can show videos and all kinds of lecture materials, which makes the teaching much more effective and fun. I am teaching again at Nha Trang University and  have 4 classes. All of them pronunciation. I really feel like a professor now. The students are so eager and cute.

I've been studying Vietnamese now for more than 3 years. This year I am passionate about learning it faster. So, I'm taking two classes a day. Between teaching 2 classes and taking 2 I'm quite busy and very happy about that. I also squeeze in time to practice my violin and guitar and run 5 miles in the morning. That leaves me with absolutely no time to get into trouble.

Even my love life has improved. Last year I was pretty attracted to one of my students but we did not express any interest in each other until after she got a job and stopped coming to classes. (The free ones at Crazy Kim.) Anyway, we exchanged email addresses and spent the summer Skyping each other most days. We've been dating since I returned. I'll just say the relationship is very comfortable, and she is quite remarkable. Maybe I've finally met one of those Vietnamese women that I've heard so much about but never seen.  We are still in the infatuation stage so I won't make any predictions. A few things about her: has a good job working in a lawyer's office translating documents into English, nearly as tall as me, extremely pretty, sweet as can be, very ambitious but not greedy or materialistic. And she has a smile and laugh that can stop amaze me every time.

So, life is good here in Vietnam. I'm feeling useful, helping eager students to learn English. And I'm getting to learn a lot of things myself. Of all the things I can think of, there is nothing like learning and helping others to learn that is more rewarding and satisfying.

About Brad and Death in Viet Nam

Such a thin line between life and death. And how easy to cross that line. And all of us cross that line sooner or later. Brad crossed the line sooner than I wanted and later than he wanted. He always said he wanted to kill himself but was afraid of actually doing it. Last month Brad apparently got the courage.

The first time I saw Brad he was entering a restaurant carrying a big set of teeth. My dinner companion, another teacher, guessed he used them to teach pronunciation. He was right. And in Brad's words, everyone was doing it wrong, and Brad was the only teacher in all of Asia doing it right. I liked Brad the moment I met him. He had a way of insulting you and making you love him all the more.

"I'm the most depressed person you will ever meet. I hate being alive. The only time I was truly happy was when I discovered that I could double my dosage of Prozac. That lasted for two years." He had been, and still was, self-medicating additionally with alcohol and pot nearly all of his life. But you would never, ever, know that he was depressed. Brad was more fun to be with, even while continually telling you that you were depraved, deprived, and deranged, than anyone I've ever met.

I didn't take him seriously. About suicide or his nasty insults. He was just too funny. But the pain that he lived with wasn't. I don't know if we can blame life for this or Brad's insistence on everything having to be his way. We were all wrong. Brad was all right. He would only teach his way, which led him to getting fired from just about every job. In the end he ran out of money and they were throwing him out of his apartment. I believe he did this on purpose so that he would have to end his life, having nowhere else to go. (Had I been there and given the opportunity I'd have done something about that, but I wasn't and didn't know.)

We all are Brad to one degree or another. We all will die. We all will be thrown out, if not our houses, out of our bodies. We all want to be right. We all criticize other people. We all self-medicate one way or another, to lesser or greater degrees. And we all, at some point, want to escape the lives we have created by doing these things.

I don't know why Brad's death affected me the way it did. It was more than losing a friend. It was more than not being able to prevent it. I think it was the feeling that I am Brad in some ways, in the sense that I connected to him more than I do with other people. I could see myself in Brad and I could see the tragedy, the sadness, the sense that if only I paid more attention to the stupid things I do, life could be more meaningful.

Years ago I nearly crossed that line myself and I didn't because I didn't want to leave my children without a father. I truly believe that saved my life. Brad didn't have children or loved ones to keep him here. And I think that was why he could leave. Is it fate, or destiny, or our own choices, that decide which of us have links to life and which of us don't? Because in the end, it is those links, those people whom we love, who keep us here, and make life worth living.  Maybe we shouldn't take them for granted and maybe we should make them stronger because we never know when we may want to cross that thin line.

One Month Back in Viet Nam

I've been back in Nha Trang for one month now and things are greatly improved over my time here last fall. The biggest change is my address. I am no longer living on the other side of town where I had to travel through traffic noise three times a day. I'm also much happier back close to the schools, restaurants, and markets that I go to regularly. There are more people that I know and it just feels more comfortable.  And now the beach is just a block away.

I'm happiest most about the teaching. I'm enjoying it more and hopefully doing a better job. I began teaching at Nha Trang University which is awfully exciting. This is a dream I've had since I was 20, to be a college professor. It has taken a while, and who would have thought I'd have to go half way around the world to do it. The students in the above photo gave me a tour around NTU on my first day of teaching. They are my students at Crazy Kim's school as well as being students at NTU.

My first day at NTU they had a film crew there. Half of the class time was taken up doing things for the sake of the filming. Then I was interviewed and asked what I thought of NTU students. Thankfully I knew plenty from teaching them at Kim's. 

Another great thing this time is the discovery of several vegan restaurants. The food here has been incredibly delicious. I leave full and totally satisfied. Hien told her parents that I was a vegetarian and she made one of the best home cooked meals I've ever had, with no animal products at all. I didn't know they could do that. I'm asking for recipes and instructions.

I even had 4 shots of Hien's dad's home brewed wiskey. I shouldn't have because it gave me a headache. Either way, the food here in Nha Trang has been wonderful. This is the easiest it's ever been for me to eat a plant based diet.

I miss my home and family and friends a lot. It's hard to describe the feeling. I am a stranger in a strange land and at the same time the Vietnamese are so kind and easy to be with. Especially my students. It's like I'm not comfortably at home, and I can't stay here forever, but I feel so useful and appreciated. I guess half the year here and half the year in Rhode Island is a good balance.

Lastly, as many of you know my mom passed away while I was in America over the holidays. At first it wasn't too difficult missing her because we had just been with her, but it seems that as time goes by I miss her more. The farther away it gets from her hugs and kisses the more I miss them. Thankfully, I can still feel her presence and hear her voice clearly in my ear. I hear her familiar "Hi Hon," the way she always answered the phone when I called her. When I let the sounds of the day go and quiet my mind I can always hear her "Hi Hon." And then I see her smiling...   love ya mom, miss ya.

Leaving Vietnam

Heavy heart. Sitting at the airport in Cam Ranh waiting for the plane to take me to Ho Chi Minh Cith where I will leave for home tomorrow. Heavy heart.

This trip was at times a struggle. Three months of mostly rain, noise, and neighbors without boundaries. I found myself yesterday cursing to myself everything I heard a driver honk a horn. And frustrated that the sun had finally come out and the water was clearing up, now that I am going home for Christmas. I am happy and sad to be going home.

On Sunday we had a big party at my house with students from Crazy Kim's school. They are the bright shining light of my life in Vietnam. On Tuesday we had another little going away lunch at the home of one of my students in the morning class. I'm happy that both my morning and evening classes have native English speaking teachers to take over. I'm not happy about their methods. (Mostly they talk and students listen. How satisfying for them and useless for their students.)

It is a lot of work to get here and a lot of work to leave. I had to buy a lot of things for the house which I am leaving. My rental house is a small mirror of Vietnam. A view of the South China Sea to die for and the constant bombardment of noise from the street traffic 20 yards from my front door. So frustrating.

Went for a boat tour of some islands on Saturday. Tour guide looked a lot like president Obama.

I do love Vietnam in a way I've never loved another country. And I love the Vietnamese people in a special way. I don't know what the future will bring. I don't know what to do. I'm trying to breathe and just be present and see what unfolds. I'm a little scared. I'm trying to just accept my sadness and uncertainty. I'm sure I will know what to do when the time comes.

Well, America here I come! Can't wait for Christmas, can't wait to see friends and family!

Brown and Gray

What a difference a year makes. Last winter we had sunshine and beach weather nearly everyday. This winter it's brown and gray everyday. The ocean is brown from being stirred up constantly and the sky is gray with clouds and rain...constantly. Nha Trang's colors are brown and grey and in a week or so I'll be trading those colors for New England's winter colors of...brown and gray. Shit.

This has not been a party by any means. The house that I have rented, while having a great view of the brown ocean, is bombarded by the sound of cars and motorbikes. It's almost impossible to practice my guitar. There is no peace here. I've found it difficult to eat a healthy diet. (Although I found a great vegetarian restaurant last night.) Even teaching has been a chore this winter. I don't know what it is but I haven't been able to find a formula for teaching a class that feels productive. What is the best way to teach English? I don't know and I'm frustrated. Thankfully the students are wonderful and I just love being with them.

Most difficult is a lack of Americans here that I can talk to and hang out with. I lost the one good friend I had here when I told him the truth about his teaching. He didn't appreciate my perspective and told me our "association" was unhealthy. So now he gets drunk and stoned everyday alone, with the idea that some organization is going to send him thousands of dollars to become enlightened by "Mr. Brad" on the only correct way to teach pronunciation. He barely survives on the money he makes tutoring out of his apartment.

I'm ready to come home and recharge my batteries. I broke out in a rash last week and I'm still itchy and can't stop scratching. I need some good wholesome food from Wholefoods. I need my mom's spaghetti and meatballs. I need some sunshine!

Nothing Satisfies The Ego For Long

Eckhart Tolle points out that "nothing satisfies the ego for long." Isn't that the truth? I remember buying a Mercedes convertible in my younger crazy days. Boy, did I love that car! For about three months.

I've settled into living in Nha Trang like an ordinary person. I teach, I have a boss. I drive a motor bike like most of the people here, not a car like the rich. I do love Viet Nam. Most people are caring, playful, intelligent, and honest. The culture is quite different from America and much simpler. People enjoy ordinary things. They laugh and sing more. A mental health counselor could not make a living here.

"Nothing satisfies the ego for long." I found myself thinking this week..."well, the excitement of living in Nha Trang has certainly worn off." Life has become just...life, again. Am I happy or sad or bored or what? What do I feel now? Because I take time to meditate and reflect on the lessons I have learned over the years I realized that this is just what life is. We don't get to be excited all the time.

And then I thought about why I'm here. I've always felt I was needed here. I was needed to teach English and be a good person. At that point, I did not feel excited, but I certainly felt happy, and peaceful, and content. I supposed to be here. I'm being useful. Isn't that enough? Yes, it is.

Odds and Ends:

It's been raining like crazy still. No hot water because no sun. They say this is the worst it's been in 50 years.

I walked down to my kitchen one rainy afternoon and found two women sleeping there:

One Saturday in between all the rain I took a little ride out of the city along the coast and came across this waterfall on the side of the road:

Good News Bad News

Well, I've been here two months now. One more month and I come home for Christmas.

The good news is that the rainy season should be ending soon. The bad news is that the dry, i.e. hot and sunny, season begins.

The good news is that now I'll have all the hot water I can use. The bad news is that I don't need any.

The good news is that I love living here. The bad news is that I love living in Westerly, too.

The good news is that they are paying me to teach. The bad news is that I make about $45 a week.

The good news is that my house overlooks the ocean. The bad news is that it overlooks a noisy highway.

The good news is that I lost 5 pounds last week. The bad news is that I had food poisoning last week.

The good news is that I ate a lot of raw food last week. The bad news is that I had one raw food too many last week.

The good news is that I blocked up the hole that the rat was getting into the house through. The bad news is that he found another way in.

The good news is that I'm really studying Vietnamese a lot. The bad news is that I can't even ask for grilled chicken and be understood yet.

And lastly, the good news is that I just washed all the floors in my house. The bad news is that they will need to be washed again tomorrow!

Motorbikes and Playing Chicken

Riding a motorbike through the city is to play a game of chicken every time you come to an intersection. Really. Bikes just shoot out from everywhere and they will cut you off...if you let them. At first I was constantly slowing down or swerving in order to avoid them. After a while I got tired of just giving in so I tried to just ignore them and keep going. It was unnerving at first but I soon realized that it really is just a game of chicken. So screw it. Now they avoid me. Except yesterday.

Well, this one bike came a bit too close and I just responded with a big "F**k You!" He almost hit me! So the guy turns and follows me, gets ahead of me, glares, and give me the finger. He stays in front of me glaring and flipping. He is big for a Vietnamese but still no threat. So, feeling my testosterone pumping, I'm like, bring it on shorty. He eventually sped off. And I realized how stupid I was acting. It's that alpha male thing. I never have that experience any more. I shouldn't have yelled out the swear word, that was letting the other guy know that I was scared. And that doesn't work in the game of chicken.

In other news, my neighbors continue to move more and more into my kitchen. I prepare a salad for lunch and have to blast the speakers to hear NPR over their conversations on my steps. As the picture show, they are literally in my kitchen now. It's kind of funny. I don't really mind the company, but I've never invited them in, they just sit there.

My sink and countertop are just to the left out of the photo.

I often sit on my bed an practice the guitar. Here are a couple of photos of what I see while playing.

And last but not least, the school halloween party:

Buying A Motorbike

I've been renting a piece of junk for a motorbike since I got here for $50 a month. Brad suggested that I buy a new, low-end Chinese-built bike for about $350. That sounded like a good plan. Then I figured I could buy a Honda basic bike new for $700.  So that got me off shopping.

Before I knew it I was pretty much craving a Honda Air Blade, top of the line, cool as all hell. A babe magnet, as I was teaching my students. (We spent a class discussing what kind of bike I should buy. The Air Blade won out.)

A new Air Blade costs about $2200. This is the Lexis of motorbikes. You are definitely well-off if you can afford one in Vietnam. I decided to buy one because that is about half the cost of my scooter in America which I only use about 2 months a year. This one will get plenty of action.

So, credit card in hand I went to the Honda dealership, found the bike I wanted, asked the price, and gave them my credit card (there was a Visa sign on the wall) and was told they don't take credit cards. Okay, I'll go get cash. No, that won't work either, I'm a foreigner, foreigners can't own a bike.

I had heard that. Ex-pats have to put the bike in a Vietnamese person's name. Preferably someone they trust. So I drove to my lawyer's office to ask what my options were. And I was going to ask her assistant to come and help me make a purchase. Turns out the lawyer was selling her Air Blade (it was black and she wants a new yellow one). After going back and forth we settled on $1700. She would take care of all the paperwork, give me a bill of sale in case I was stopped by the police, and register the bike for me.

Anyway, two days later and 17 ATM withdrawals I had the bike. It's sweet. And my lawyer went straight to the Honda dealer with my cash and bought her new one. I've gotten lots of compliments since I've been driving mine around. I did have one problem that shows what an idiot I am and how funny our brains work. When I was given the bike I looked at the gas gauge and it read full. How nice of her to do that. To my dismay, after riding around the gauge never moved. Okay, it's broken I'll have it fixed. I still figured the tank had been full when she gave it to me. Two days later I run out of gas. When I fill the tank, the needle goes all the way over to the other side. That's when I realize that the needle didn't read full, the F was an E, she gave it to me on empty! How stupid can I be? Clear as day there was that E staring me in the face. Come to think of it, there really isn't much difference between an E and an F. I'm dumb but not all that dumb.